


Only When You Smile: It’s Been a Long Day

by twentyonehellevators



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Daichi is a Dad, Daichi just wants to help, Depressed Sugawara Koushi, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suga whines about it, THERES FLUFF I SWEAR, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi, mentioned suicidal tendencies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 10:18:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19171267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twentyonehellevators/pseuds/twentyonehellevators
Summary: Sugawara is depressed. He knows that. But there’s no way that he’d mention it. Besides, surely he’s fine compared to others. Daichi dissagrees.





	Only When You Smile: It’s Been a Long Day

Sugawara Koushi was depressed. Deep down, he knew that, but he refused to acknowledge it. Instead he'd say that he was fine.

Fine was a good word, he'd think to himself. It was an equal combination of good and bad. Fine meant that he was good, but it was also a word that said that he wasn't okay. But, like he said, it wasn't all bad. Surely he wasn't as bad as other teens who have depression. 

He didn't hate himself. If anything, he just augmented his lack of self worth. Sure, he played volleyball. He was a setter. The setter was the backbone of the team and had everyone rely on him. But to him, it was extremely stressful. At one point, he'd wished for a break, and now, here he was. He'd been replaced by a genius first year, Kageyama Tobio. Suga didn't hold anything against the kid, in fact, he looked up to him in a way.

Kageyama was exceptional in that he could bring out more in each of his teammates. Although he was brash and argued with the others quite often, he was still able to achieve more than Suga had. In fact, he'd even taken over the position as the main setter. Suga shrugged to himself. _Be careful what you wish for,_ he guessed. 

The team finished their stretches and moved onto their spiking drills. Kageyama tossing for one side of the court, Suga for the other. As Asahi came up on his side, Suga was still distracted. He watched the ball, _high and slightly off the net_ , he told himself before setting it. But, as was mentioned, he was distracted. The ball slipped through his hands, hitting him in the face. He blinked in surprise. 

Suga heard a panicked voice from his left asking if he was alright.

He turned, smiling and placing a hand behind his head in embarrassment. "Sorry," he would say to Asahi, explaining that he was just a bit distracted, was all.

His friend smiled, telling him not to scare him like that. 

Suga just smiled sheepishly, asking if they should try it again.

This time he made sure to pay attention, there was no use in letting the others think he was unreliable. Set after set, he tossed them all perfectly. Only a few of his teammates asked for adjustments in his tosses. He was, as they all thought, perfect, but Suga didn't think of his tosses in that way. 

He'd gotten much better over the years, but each time he had to adjust was an insult to him. He tried his absolute best to give everyone exactly what they wanted so that they wouldn't look down on him. He didn't want to feel useless, he always had to be of at least some worth. But now they had Kageyama. He frowned. Some use he was now that they had the genius first year. 

At last, practice ended. Suga smiled, telling Kageyama and Hinata not to stay too late, earning a small chorus of "okays" in response. He gave a small chuckle, watching them for a few seconds before finally leaving the gym to walk home with Daichi and Asahi, who had finally been released from Noya's hug.

The third years laughed with each other as they made their way to the intersection where they'd all split up. Daichi hadn't gotten the younger kids pork buns today, but that wasn't unusual. It was more of a Friday tradition really. If he'd gotten them anything any other day, it was usually a special occasion. Fridays... One of the few days that Suga really ate more than a quarter of his lunch. 

Now Sugawara had no intention to starve himself, no. In fact, he was concerned by the fact that he wasn't eating. He knew that his body needed the strength, especially with being involved in volleyball. So basically, he ate whatever he could find that had the most protein.

He had begun eating even less once he started vomiting. There was no explanation that he could find. As far as he knew, he just couldn't keep his food down anymore. Opening the door to his room, he smiled sadly to himself. Guess he wasn't even good enough for food anymore. Why would anything help him when he was shit at being of use to others. Made sense to him, he thought, throwing his bag on the floor and locking the door behind him. 

He didn't have to worry about his parents, at least, not yet. They both worked until late anyways, so he wasn't sure why he locked his bedroom door behind him. He guessed that it just gave him an extra sense of security. He sat down on his bed, thinking again.

His parents were amazing people, the kind that'd go out of their way to make sure that he was happy and give him pretty much anything that he would want. He kind of felt bad that he was only fine, he knew that his parents would hate to see him frown. Yet here he was, laying on his bed in a locked room, wondering why in Hell he was so useless. He wanted to push those thoughts away and think of something else, but he just couldn't. Slowly, he gave into those thoughts and began wondering why he was still even alive. If he couldn't be of use on the team, what purpose did he have here?

_What if they kicked him off the team?_ His breath hitched. Maybe he was so useless that they decided that they didn't need him, they were better off without him. What if they didn't ever want him and we're just waiting for the right moment to get rid of him? 

Shakily, he stood up, crossing the room and kneeling by his drawer in his closet. He dug behind his socks and underwear, reaching for a razor. He frowned, looking down at it. He'd kept it hidden for so long, along with his depression. He shook his head. He was fine, not depressed, and he knew that what he was about to do was stupid. Hell, if he knew of any of his friends doing it, he'd probably hug the poor life out of them, begging and pleading for them to stop. But that wasn't him. Nobody would care if he hurt himself. Nobody would care about someone so useless as him. Why should they? 

Slowly and carefully he pulled his shirt off. At one point, his parents thought he was depressed and made him pull up his sleeves to make sure that he wasn't hurting himself. And so he had. He didn't worry about it, he didn't cut. At least, not his wrists he didn't. It'd be too obvious in the case that others became concerned. After all, he had no intention of hurting anyone else. After that moment, he made sure to hide his condition better.

He smiled more often, joked more, and came outside so often that he didn't know what else to do with his life. He stayed for extra practice, making sure to perfect his techniques one hundred times over. But never once did he stay too long, or work too hard. The pain he felt as it was was unimaginable. 

He shook his head, holding the razor to his stomach. He looked over the previous lines that he had carved into his flesh, counting them. That's how many mistakes he had made this season. He took a deep breath before cutting into his skin. One. He frowned. One mistake. Two. He carved another line into himself. Three. Four. Five...

By the time he'd reached eleven, the number of times he'd had to adjust his sets today, he was shaking so much that he'd dropped the razor to his floor. Quickly, with eyesight blurred from his tears, he'd left his room, making his way down the hallway and into his bathroom. 

Quickly turning on the sink, he pulled out an old wash rag, wetting it and holding it to his stomach. He leaned over the running water, breathing deeply. Opening his eyes, he looked up at himself in the mirror. Disgusting. He looked like he was about to keel over and die right there. Pale face, dark circles under his eyes, and his shoulder blades threatening to burst out of his skin at any moment. Lack of food, sleep, and blood loss would do that to you. He almost laughed at how ridiculous it was. Here he was, Sugawara Koushi, third year and co-captain of Karasuno volleyball club, someone who was always desperately worried about everyone else, and he couldn't even take care of himself. 

Proves it, he thought, before reaching underneath the sink to pull out some bandages. Carefully, cleaning out the cuts with the blood soaked rag, he covered them all in bandages, making sure that they were tight, and that the cuts wouldn't reopen easily. There was no use in hiding his injuries if they were just gonna stain right through his shirt. 

He put the supplies away, taking the wash rag with him to his room. Once there, he found his razor, wiping it clean and stashing it back in his drawer. Then he hung the wash rag in the back of his closet, pushing other things in front of it to hide it from view. He balled up his discarded shirt, throwing it into the growing pile of dirty laundry in the corner of his room. (Hey, just because he was the mom friend didn't mean that he couldn't be a teenage boy.) After finding another shirt to throw on, darker, so that it wouldn't stain easily, he lied back down on his bed with his homework and iPod. 

Hey, English was okay, he'd work on that. He sighed, putting his earbuds in and starting on the assignment. Something about poetry... Whatever, his grades were good enough to condone for one missed assignment. He pushed the work to the side, staring at his ceiling. It was a normal, boring ceiling. White, no posters or glow-in-the-dark stars from when he was eight. It was comforting though, in its own way. Slowly, he felt himself nodding off, before giving into a light, fitful sleep.

He dreamt... Something. Should you have approached him at any point out of pure curiosity, he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to tell you. The only image that remained from said dream was simply the colour red. Blood maybe? Death? Why did he care? It's not like he didn't know it was coming. 

He looked over to his clock, frowning. 3:03. He'd slept for maybe five hours? That was certainly a new record. Shaking his head, he sat up, noticing that his books and iPod had been placed on his desk by his bed, along with what looked like a note and a sandwich. He smiled softly. Thank the Gods for having such caring parents. He stood up, wincing at the pain in his stomach, before deciding to ignore it. He'd check later. Making his way to his desk, he flicked on the lamp, picking up the note. 

_Dear Koushi, Your mother and I are heading out of town for a while on an important business meeting. We would have told you ourselves, but you were already sleeping and we didn't want to wake you. We left you some dinner in case you do wake up. We'll be gone before you're up for practice and school, and we just wanted to let you_ _know that we love you so much, and that nothing can make us feel about you otherwise. Stay well. Make sure you're in bed on time and that you're eating enough. And most importantly, don't forget how much we love you!_

_With love,_

_Mom and Dad_

Suga smiled softly, setting the note back down. He was thankful for his parents. All the more reason to keep hiding. His smile quickly faded as he looked down at the sandwich they had left him. Was eating it really even worth it? Sighing, he picked up his school work and sat down, pushing the plate and note to the side. Deciding that this time, he'd do his poetry last, he pulled out his math and began that.

By 5, he'd finished everything, as well as started on a project due later in the week. His stomach growled and he looked back over the to plate beside him. It was worth a shot. Slowly and carefully, he brought the food to his lips. It had been out for some time now, but frankly, he didn't care. He took a bite, rolling the food around on his tongue a bit before swallowing. He felt fine. Maybe he'd be able to eat for once... So he did. 

An hour later, he was outside, making his way to the intersection where he'd meet up with Daichi and Asahi before school. Daichi, Suga thought, was an amazing person. During their first year, he had developed an enormous crush on the other, but hadn't said anything. He was young and had never really been in a serious relationship before, and he hadn't wanted to ruin their friendship, so he stayed silent. Honestly, he was quite surprised that no one had noticed. He felt like his feelings had been so obvious, despite trying to hide them. Well, there went his hope in Hollywood cliches.

Even though he'd never said anything, he'd still hope that they'd get together. Daichi was an understanding person, and if he'd told him, Daichi would have gone out with him, even if he didn't really feel the same way. Suga shook his head. There was no way he'd inconvenience his friend like that, especially while he was struggling to be of any use whatsoever.

Sugawara sighed again, stopping and leaning on a light post. He was the first one there, as usual, and began watching to his left, where Asahi would most likely appear next. After five minutes, his frown deepened. When he heard footsteps from behind him, he turned, only to be met face to face with Daichi.

They greeted each other before Suga asked where the other was. Daichi pulled out his phone, showing him that something had come up, and that the other would not be coming to school today. Suga nodded in understanding, before the two began walking again. For a while, they made small talk and discussed a few things relating to volleyball before they descended into silence.

Frowning slightly, Sugawara thought about the text that Daichi had received. Asahi had been one of his closest friends growing up. Was there a reason that he hadn't bothered to let him know what was happening? Was it because he had wanted to make him suffer? Had he purposely ignored him because he thought that he wasn't good enough to relay such a simple message to the captain? Some co-captain he was if nobody else trusted him to do anything. 

After a few moments, he snapped out of his trance as Daichi held a hand to his chest, stopping him. Suga looked up with confusion written on his face. Frozen in place, Suga asked what was wrong. He received no answer and was instead asked what was wrong with him. Rather than answering, Suga asked what he meant, receiving a bone-chilling glare and a reply of " _don't play dumb with me_." Daichi then continued to list off a number of things that he had noticed about his friend's behavior that weren't normal, a list of things that had changed, and had him concerned.

Suga swallowed, shaking his head, and started to walk again. "It's a conversation for another time," he answered, receiving a questioning look, but thankfully nothing else. They made the rest of the way to the gym in silence, only disturbed by Hinata and Kageyama rushing past them in their ongoing battle to see who was fastest. The two chuckled softly, sharing a quick glance before Suga took off after them, Daichi not far behind. 

As soon as they reached the club room, Suga leaned against the wall, pressing a hand to his stomach. Clearly running wasn't a good idea. Daichi entered moments later, and the four boys in the room stood, catching their breath. Suga silently cursed himself. He hadn't been hiding it well enough. Daichi had found out that something was wrong. 

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ , he thought, clenching his jaw. If Daichi was able to notice, a few of the others definitely had as well. For those on the team that were more perceptive, they'd know that something was up. Oh, Gods, where did he go wrong. He thought his act was perfect, flawless. He thought that no one would be able to see what was inside. Where did he mess up?

Once again, he was jolted from his thoughts by Daichi. Surely he hadn't been spacing out that much, had he? He looked up slightly to meet his eyes. They seemed sad in a way. The captain said nothing, but gave him a look that said, _we're talking about this later, whether you like it or not_. Suga nodded tentatively, frowning. They were friends, right? Why shouldn't he trust him?

Suga's frown deepened as the other walked away, feeling a sense of emptiness as he was left alone. Every time he was left alone by Daichi, his best friend, something inside of him broke just a little further. He stood there in silence, silently praying to whatever supposed gods were out there. He prayed for hope, a purpose. Maybe even a chance. As he heard the others start arriving, he quickly changed before heading outside to stand on the porch. 

He closed his eyes, feeling the wind blowing on his face, easily ignoring the other boys who were yelling at each other from the room behind him. He stood for a few minutes before popping his head into the club room, telling the others to get to the gym as soon as they were done. Then he took off down the stairs and to the gym to help set up the net.

He smiled at Daichi, who'd immediately looked at him once he'd entered. _He knows_ , Suga couldn't help but to think, causing his smile to drop as he helped hook the net up to the poles. He kept his face turned away from the captain as they warmed up and did stretches, hoping it would hide what he felt inside. 

As they began spiking drills, he kept his focus as sharp as possible, yet let his mind wander again. Here he was, Kageyama on the other side of the net, and receiving far more compliments than him. As he set for a center hit, Suga stood at the net, watching Kageyama's form. Flawless and graceful. 

As he set up for the same on his side, Kageyama watched from the other. After a successful hit, he'd heard the other setter compliment him, so he turned, smiling and thanking him. But he didn't mean it. The other never complimented anyone. And the tone he'd said it in only convinced him further that he was struggling to refrain from admitting how stupid and idiotic Suga was for trying to be of any good whatsoever. 

Gritting his teeth, he turned back to his side of the court, continuing his tosses. He'd make them perfect one day... Then he could be of use. Then he'd get to play for a reason other than Kageyama having a bad day. 

Sooner than expected, practice was over, leading to the boys headed back to the club room to change back into their uniforms. Suga took his time, staying back until Daichi had finished yelling at the two most energetic first years to "get a move on." He walked back with them, only slightly behind Daichi, and stopped, pretending to organize his locker before changing. After all, letting them see his bandages wouldn't help his case in saying that he was fine. 

Soon enough, it was only Suga and Daichi left. Suga simply began changing into his pants, thinking that the other would leave before he got to his shirt. He was the co-captain after all. Surely he was trusted enough to lock up. After all, it was something he'd done several times before, even in his first year sometimes.

He was surprised when instead he'd heard his name called. He looked up, asking what was up. He'd received the same question of " _what's wrong._ " Suga simply shook his head again, insisting that if they were going to talk about it, it would be later. But Daichi was insistent. He'd demand for his teammate to answer him, but Suga nearly effortlessly avoided answering each question, telling Daich to go, that he couldn't be late for class. When asked about whether or not he'd be late, Suga just told him to let the teacher know where he was and that he was on his way.

A few minutes of arguing later, Daichi walked off, grumbling. Sighing, Suga watched him, making sure that he was actually headed to class before pulling his sweaty shirt off. He was careful in making sure that his bandages were secure and that blood wasn't showing through before pulling his school shirt on. Checking the time, he ran off to his class. 

Minutes later, he was seated, having entered the room just before the bell rung, smiling at Daichi as he sat down next to him. The other frowned at him before turning to the front as the teacher began talking. Suga followed suit, quickly becoming bored. After a moment of mentally debating with himself, he pulled off a small piece of paper from his notebook. Quickly he scribbled on the paper.

_Hey_.

He nudged the other gently, sliding the note across the desk in front of him. Suga watched as the other read the note, and guessed that he wanted to ignore it. However, he was surprised when Daichi wrote a reply. 

_When do you want to talk about this? I'm not going to drop the subject, and I want answers today. You can't keep pretending that everything's okay._

Suga shook his head.

_After practice, alright? Wait for me after we lock up_.

Daichi nodded from beside him.

_Just don't do anything stupid before then. I care about you, after all._

Suga smiled softly, pulling the paper beneath his desk before he could be reprimanded by the teacher. After all, he didn't want to get kicked out of volleyball. 

The rest of the school day passed by in a blur. Lectures. Notes. Lectures. Notes. Some random homework assignment. More notes. All in all, nothing too exciting. At least, until practice. 

Suga sighed when he walked in to see Daichi talking to Coach, each sending small glances his way. He did his best to ignore their glances throughout practice. He tried to shy away, or hide from their eyes behind the others, but it's kinda hard when everyone's constantly moving. They probably thought he didn't notice. But hey, he had a sixth sense for that kind of thing. 

Of course, there was also the fact that he jumped nearly ten feet in the air the moment he walked onto the court. It's not too often that his two 'most oblivious to anything besides the ball' teammates tackle him from behind. Landing with an 'oof,' Suga turned over to look at them, only to be see both of their faces in his. 

He was met with screaming as he flinched back, looking at his children. His eyes widened as he tried to put his hands up in front of him, to shush them in some way. Most of what they were saying was incomprehensible, and he doubted anyone else understood what they were saying either. However, he still got the vibe that he had done something wrong, and they wanted to know why. Suga squeezed his eyes closed, what did he do? Did Daichi say something to the others?

At last, he was saved from the headache inducing children by Noya screeching for Hinata, and Tsukishima making some comment that pissed Kageyama off. Suga sighed, the usual. He softly thanked Ennoshita as he helped him up, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. The second year smiled and nodded, dismissing the entire episode, which Suga was grateful for. 

As stated, practice continued normally, save for the lack of Asahi and his coach's periodic glances. Sugawara shrugged it off, maybe he had something on his face. Of course, he himself barely believed that, especially with the other two having tackled him.

At last, the team had a water break, which Suga thankfully took advantage of, laughing softly at Noya yelling at Hinata to hit a few tosses, who was trying to convince Kageyama to toss to him. At the same time, he was holding his hand over his stomach, trying to stop the pain he'd caused from moving around so much.

The way he stood didn't look suspicious. At least, not to his knowledge. After all, someone would have said something by now, right? He stood the same way after a particularly long run, or some hard drills, or any other time that he was out of breath. So hiding the pain he was in wasn't particularly hard, he just had to keep it off of his face. 

Once Ukai called that break was over, Suga rushed back onto the court, ignoring the yells of "we haven't even had our break yet," and "you should've thought of that before refusing to take a break when everyone else does," and "But Tsukki smells," with a responding "hey!" He doubted he would have heard them anyway with how deep he was in thought.

In fact, he felt that he'd barely stood back up when the team sat down at the end of practice. Coach was going on about something with an upcoming practice match, not that Suga cared too much, it was doubtful he'd be playing anyways. And so he'd quietly zoned out, closing his eyes in his half-asleep state. He could use some rest, and now seemed like one of the few times he'd get it. 

He was vaguely aware of his teammates standing up once the meeting was over, grumpily prying his eyes open once he realized that he'd have to get up too. And so he did, making his way to the ball cart to try and catch the balls thrown at it in his teammates attempts to walk as little as possible. He smiled as they cheered when he caught the balls with the cart, ignoring comments that they were "having too much fun." _Too much fun my ass_ , he thought. They were his kids, he was gonna let them have fun. Especially when he could help.

Eventually though, all good things must come to an end. And so practice concluded, the gym got cleaned up, and the boys were each headed in their own directions on their ways home. Sugawara, however, laid on the floor of the club room, staring at the ceiling. He had promised Daichi that he'd wait, despite the fact that all he had wanted to do was run home and lock himself in his room. He wanted to carve his mistakes into his flesh, screaming and crying in frustration. He wanted to disappear, to go somewhere where he'd be more use than trouble. His best friend would understand, right? 

So Suga made up his mind, standing up and headed out onto the porch. He looked around quickly, seeing that the captain was still talking to the coach inside the gym. He headed back inside, packing up quickly and changing as well. He turned around, only to end up face to face with Daichi. Immediately he smiled, picking up his bag and starting to walk out, stopped only by the other grabbing his arm. 

He faced the other, trying to slip by with a simple "it's late," to no avail. If anything, the other's grip on his arm only tightened. What happened next went as expected. He was pushed back into the room, Daichi slamming the door closed behind him. Suga took a step backwards, nearly tripping on the bench behind him. Neither of them said a word, Daichi frowning at the shorter male, and Suga looking everywhere but at the other. 

What wasn't expected, however, was Daichi just barely whispering the other's name. Suga's head quickly shot up, his eyes widening. He sounded... broken. He was surprised to see tears in the other's eyes, streaming down his face as he demanded to know what was happening.

Suga shook his head, frowning, insisting that he was fine and that the other was simply crazy. 

He flinched back, however, with a hiss from the other and hands being twisted into his shirt. " _Don't lie to me!_ " Daichi screamed furiously. He screamed that he saw the bandages while he was changing, that there was nothing else that he could hide from him, so why didn't Suga trust him?!

Suga, who was unprepared for this onslaught, didn't say a word, grabbing onto his friend's arms for support. He stuttered a few incomprehensible words, none of which even made sense given the situation. He closed his eyes, bowing and shaking his head. 

With a frown, Daichi gently helped Suga sit down on the bench, pulling him close as he sat down beside him. Releasing his shirt, he tried again, calmer this time. In a voice that was barely over a whisper, Daichi began to talk to the other as if it were any other normal day, trying to calm Suga down before he pressed any further.

Meanwhile, Suga was shaking, clinging to Daichi's hand, which had been extended to him. It wasn't as though he was scared, after all, what would the other do to him? Nothing bad, right? Slowly, he began to relax, throwing in the occasional comment during Daichi's small talk, resulting in a few chuckles from the other. 

At some point, he had laid his head down on Daichi's shoulder. Upon realizing this, he knew that he trusted him, and that keeping anything from Daichi was stupid... He was his best friend after all. And yet, Suga held the other higher in his eyes, having lost the will to deny that he was in love. So why did he hide? 

Easy, he didn't want to continue to be a burden to others, and confessing to someone who he was almost certain wouldn't reciprocate his feelings would just burden the other more. He couldn't say how the other would react... Maybe he'd flat out tell him that he didn't feel the same, and know that the miserable mood that Suga would be left in was his fault, causing him more stress than needed. Or maybe he'd say he felt the same, when he really didn't, and be burdened by Suga without him knowing. Either way, he was determined not to inconvenience Daichi, so he didn't say anything. 

It was the same thing, he thought, that made him hide his condition. And that's how it would stay… At least, partially. So he shook his head, pushing his face into Daichi's shoulder and wrapping his arms around him. Questioningly, Daichi called out to him, hugging him back and running a hand through his hair gently. 

Suga began crying, hard this time. As Daichi rubbed soothing circles into his back, he started mumbling into the other's shirt. He confessed everything. From the first time he felt even remotely useless, how Kageyama made him feel worse, how he felt even worse then by becoming jealous of Kageyama, how he was determined to get better, how that determination magnified his faults, the first time he cut, how he hated himself because of it yet continued to do it, how he felt that he wasn't doing enough, how he was scared of being kicked off the team, how he wanted to do better and make him proud, and lastly, how he let his thoughts take control of him at night, and how he was debating suicide because of it. 

Throughout this, he was aware of how increasingly tight Daichi's hug became. How the other even heard him, he wasn't sure. Funny in a way... Somehow he thought that if he ever did confess, what was happening to him physically would be overshadowed by his emotions. Turns out it was the other way around. He couldn't tell anyone why, even if his life depended on it, but he started laughing. 

It was a bitter, hopeless laugh. A laugh that said, "look at this, I just went against every promise I've ever made to myself and I don't care." Somehow, that made it even funnier. He started laughing so hard that he nearly fell off the bench, becoming unaware of anything else. 

Meanwhile, Daichi looked panicked as he began calling the other's name. Receiving no answer, he held onto the other tighter, calling his name louder and more frantically. At last the other fell silent with a cry of " _Koushi!_ " 

Daichi sighed, sitting Suga up and holding onto his shoulders. Gently he wiped his tears away with a smile. He began talking to him again, saying bright, encouraging words about the other. He told him how much the team loved and needed him, how much they cared about him. He assured him that he would always be of use, and that they would never kick him off the team. In fact, he reassured, they would never _dream_ of it. 

Suga somehow found himself doubting the other's words. He trusted him, yes, yet having drilled that he was useless, _pointless_ , into his head so many times, he found it hard to believe anything else. After all, what else was he supposed to believe but the truth. He didn't believe Daichi was lying to him, perhaps his perception was clouded.

He shook his head, pushing Daichi off of him. Shakily, he stood up, telling Daichi that he was wrong, and promising to be more useful. Once again he made an attempt at leaving, still convinced that he didn't deserve what he had. Yet once again, Daichi stopped him. Suga's frown deepened as he looked up to the other, who was now blocking the door. Unconsciously he looked around. If it really came to it, he figured that he could always jump out of one of the windows.

Daichi, who had noticed his wandering gaze and had assumed the worst, grabbed onto his friend, pushing him up against the wall. Slowly, he let out a breath, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Suga's. Ignoring the other's questioning look, Daichi kissed his forehead, telling him that he'd always be there for the other.

Suga sighed, closing his eyes as well, accepting that he wasn't getting out of this. He reminded Daichi that it was late, and after a few minutes of arguing, agreed to stay the night at Daichi's place. After all, he was there so often that it had become a second home. His parents wouldn't mind if he stayed for a night. 

And so the two walked out, hands clasped tightly together, as Daichi turned out the lights and locked up. They said nothing as they walked, each caught up in their own thoughts, neither of which were too positive. Suddenly, Suga stopped, stopping Daichi as well. When questioned, Suga shook his head before walking again. 

Soon enough, they arrived at Daichi's house. Daichi announced that he was home, and Suga gave a small wave before the two headed upstairs. Once they were settled into Daichi's room, they began to talk again. 

It was stuff you'd expect a regular teenager to talk about. Girls, school, volleyball... It was almost as if they had forgotten about earlier. Of course, it still lingered in their minds, haunting them, neither really sure what would happen next. Despite this, they continued as if it were a normal day. 

Soon enough, the two had done their homework, albeit, rather unwillingly, and realized how late it was. Neither had really prepared for Suga staying over, so they ended up sharing a bed, like they did when they were kids. Daichi's bed was small, so they were awkwardly positioned, shoulders bumping and legs and arms twisted together, yet Suga didn't mind. They chatted for a while before falling into silence as Daichi fell asleep.

Soon enough, it was just Suga lying awake again. Just Suga and his thoughts. His thoughts, an angry storm of darkness that was slowly consuming him. But then again, the dark usually held the truth, didn't it? Suga mentally nodded. He valued the truth after all.

And so he thought about practice earlier that day, how he'd screwed up so many times. Three set adjustments, six missed or ricocheted receives, one missed serve. But mostly he focused on the tosses. His job as setter was to give the perfect tosses, wasn't it? So why couldn't he get it right? He wanted to bang his head off of the wall in frustration, yet he remained still, not wanting to disturb Daichi or his family. 

Speaking of Daichi, here Suga was, relying on his best friend to take care of him, causing him more stress than he needed. Taking up his bed, room, air, etc. How would he ever solve his problems by causing the others more? 

He silently groaned in frustration. Knowing Daichi wasn't a light sleeper, he crawled out from under the covers and pulled his desk chair up to the window. He looked over, just to make sure Daichi was still asleep. He was.

Sighing, Suga looked up at the moon. He wondered how it could shine so brightly when he was suffering so much. Didn’t the moon ever feel like it wasn’t enough, that it was so outshone by the sun? And with these thoughts, Suga eventually fell asleep.

When he woke up, he found himself tucked in bed, the light shining in on the far wall. Immediately he frowned. _How late was it, didn’t he have practice?_ He sat up quickly, looking around and seeing Daichi leaning up against the bed, eyes closed. Suga’s frown deepened as he realized that the other had probably woken up to find him sleeping by the window, moving him to the bed and taking the floor. And what happened to his alarm, did they sleep through it?

Slowly pushing himself out of the bed, on the far side so he wouldn’t wake Daichi, he snuck around and out of the bedroom, headed to their family’s bathroom. He was there so often that he was basically part of the family, and so he had a few things in their cupboard under the sink. He squatted down, pulling out a change of clothes and a toothbrush. He didn’t think much of it, getting ready quickly before going back in to wake Daichi.

Quietly, he opened the door, stepping inside. Smiling softly, he reached out, shaking Daichi’s shoulder. When the other opened his eyes, Suga told him the time, concerned about having missed practice. What confused him though, was Daichi explaining that he had turned his alarm off intentionally, and that coach knew they wouldn’t be there. When he asked why, the other didn’t say anything. Instead he stood up, turning to go get dressed himself.

Suga frowned, laying back down while the other did his thing. He was tired. Yes, he had just woken up, but that didn’t change his getting less than eight hours of sleep. So he slowly zoned out, enjoying the comfort of the still warm bed.

He sat up when Daichi sat next to him. Frowning, the other told him why they weren’t at school. Daichi was taking Suga to see a therapist, whether he liked it or not. His parents were understanding, and had offered to let him use the car, so they had both walked to work. Ukai understood that Suga’s health was more important than a practice match… After all, they had enough players to fill in for the day. When Suga tried to refuse him, Daichi wouldn’t have any of it. He said that they could wait all day, but that he was going, no matter what.

Suga was terrified. He tried telling his friend that he understood his concern, but that he was fine. He didn’t need to see a professional. He explained that his condition wasn’t too bad, and that there were others who needed the help more than him. Even if the other was that concerned, it wasn’t bad enough that it required help, especially so soon.

Daichi took this all in with an are you serious face. He gently grabbed the other’s wrist, waiting until Suga looked him in the eyes before tugging at the hem of his shirt. He asked if he needed a reminder about what lied underneath, reminding him that he saw it. He let go as the other pulled away from him, frowning. He tried to convince him that the best cure for depression was prevention.

However, it was Daichi that pulled away when Suga turned back to him angrily. “ _I’m not depressed_ ,” he yelled, “ _I’m fine!_ ” He wouldn’t believe it, he refused to, despite knowing that he was. Facts and beliefs could conflict, right? He felt himself pulling his legs to his chest, trying to drown out the other’s worried voice… But it was hard to ignore the one he loved, and so he silenced himself, sitting still and listening.

Daichi tried to convince him to go again, much softer this time, with more earnest. He told Suga that he cared about him, and that it hurt him to see the other like he was. He admitted to seeing his friend’s athletic performance slowly decreasing, and told him that if he continued like he was, that he’d never reach a point where he was satisfied with his own playing. The team would never be disappointed in him though, in fact, everyone was worried. Everyone loved Suga, and no one would know what to do if he were to leave them like he slowly has been.

Daichi placed a hand on Suga’s shoulder, before Suga leaned against Daichi entirely. He slumped into his side, feeling the other’s arms wrap around him while closing his eyes. He didn’t want to upset any of the other’s, and knew that Daichi wouldn’t lie about them. After a moment, he asked if the team knew about any of this. Daichi shook his head, saying that he’d only told their coach, but that the other’s had probably made their own assumptions. He said that if it really was a problem, he didn’t want to let anyone know that Suga wouldn’t.

For the next half hour, neither spoke. Both sat in silence, Daichi holding onto Suga carefully, as if he would break at any moment. Then again, neither could deny that it was far from the truth. Eventually, Suga pulled out of the other’s grip. He turned around to face Daichi, nodding slowly. He was rewarded with a small smile, and a gentle “let's go, then.”

Now, Suga still _did not_ , for any reason, want to go to see a therapist. He followed behind Daichi to the car, nearly bolting once they were outside. However, he decided he'd better not, especially with the looks the other had been giving him in the last two days. Crouching down into the small car (this family was crazy), he sat in the passenger’s seat, frowning at Daichi, who reassured him that everything would be okay. Unconvinced, Suga nodded and turned on the radio as Daichi began driving.

Other than the two humming along to the music, or having a full on singing competition, the drive was rather uneventful. Eventually they pulled up to a small white building, parking down the side. Daichi turned to Suga, asking if he was ready. Suga nodded, frowning.

It took a few seconds for Suga to calm his nerves enough to actually step out of the car and into the building. They were professionals, these people would definitely diagnose him with depression. But no, he didn’t want to believe he did, he refused to. Maybe he could lie to them… Then again, they’ve probably had people lie before. Besides, what excuse could he make for his cuts? Anything he could come up with was stupid, and even he didn’t believe himself. No matter what they said about him, he’d refuse to believe it. He was _fine_ , not depressed.

Minutes later, Suga’s name was called, Daichi squeezed his hand, silently telling him that he’d be fine. Slowly he stood up, praying to whatever was out there that he wouldn’t have to follow through with this. Give him a disaster, like a fire, or an earthquake. Anything to get him out of there.

Alas, luck was not on his side as he left the waiting room and was led to a room in the back. He was asked to take a seat, and to wait a few more moments before the therapist arrived. He frowned, fidgeting a bit. Soon enough, a lady entered, smiling at Suga and introducing herself.

From there, things went quickly. The doctor asked Suga a million questions, none of which he could remember after. Yet he had been able to answer each question quickly, and without too much trouble. As a result, Suga was rather confused when barely a half hour had passed, the doctor leaving him alone a second time.

Moments later, she returned with Daichi, having him sit by Suga while she sat on the other side of the table. They gave each other a small smile before turning to the woman in front of them. She didn’t smile, but was still kind and gentle in breaking the news that yes, Suga had depression and that he would need treatment.

Suga visibly tensed. No, no, no, _no, no,_ this wasn’t happening. He was fine. _He was fine_. Without notice, he stood up, shaking his head. _He wasn’t depressed_ , he argued, _he was fine_. He almost didn’t notice Daichi reaching towards him through his tears, jumping slightly when he’d felt him gently grab onto his wrist, pulling him down and into the seat beside him. He looked up at him, saying again that he was fine, swearing it to him. His best friend could see that, couldn’t he?

When met with a slow, yet firm, shake of the head, Suga couldn’t take it anymore. He looked at Daichi, meeting his eyes. He was frowning slightly, but otherwise looked exactly as he did everyday, calm and collected. Suga found himself wondering how… How could he be so calm when he knew what he did, when Suga was on the verge of breaking down. Daichi only looked away when the woman spoke again. Suga didn’t know what it was about, he didn’t care. He only cared that no one was listening to him. He wasn’t depressed, he didn’t want to be. And so he’d never believed it. Yet now, now every belief that he had built up was crumbling.

So this was what it was like to have depression...

He spent the rest of the visit in silence, not even trying to pay attention to the conversation that was taking place. After all, Daichi would fill him in. He was sure of that. This silence carried over into the car ride back to the house. Once again, the two sat in Daichi’s room. Daichi immediately went to ask the team how their match went, while Suga lied on the bed, frowning at the ceiling.

Minutes later, he broke the silence, asking how they did. Daichi admitted that he wasn’t sure, and that Asahi said that he’d let them know when they were done. Suga nodded, agreeing that that made sense before the two descended into silence again.

It was a thick, uncomfortable sort of silence. The kind that crushed the air from your lungs, leaving you struggling to breathe... It was that silence that led to the two of them holding onto each other, desperately trying to grasp on to something in the spiraling mess they were in. All Suga knew was that Daichi was there, and that he wasn’t letting go, no matter how hard Suga resisted.

What felt like a lifetime later, Suga pulled back, looking into the other’s eyes. Without thinking, he whispered a soft “ _I love you_.” Realizing his mistake when Daichi’s eyes widened, he quickly stuffed his face back into the other’s chest. He wished that right then and there, he would die. It would spare him the embarrassment at least.

Barely a moment later, he felt hands running through his hair, gently tugging so that he’d pick his face up. Being the stubborn friend that he was, Suga pressed his face into Daichi’s shoulder, whining softly when he felt hands pushing him off instead.

The first thing that Suga noticed once he looked up was that Daichi’s face was impossibly red, unconsciously associating the colour with Nekoma. He doubted that he looked any better. Ah, the awkward silence was back…

Daichi smiled sheepishly at Suga, who gave a small smile in return, before the two were slowly leaning in towards each other. It was slow and uncertain, both of them searching in the other’s eyes for a reason to back out, silent _what ifs_ running through their heads. And, as luck would have it, Daichi’s phone began ringing right as the space was nearly gone.

The two pulled back immediately, Suga looking off to the side and Daichi answering his phone. Suga sighed, there went what was probably his only chance. Oh well, it would be for the better in the long run anyway.

After less than a minute, Daichi’s face lit up and he passed the phone to Suga. Suga nearly fell off the bed in laughter. At the other end of the line, Asahi was desperately trying to tell them the good news, but could barely be heard over the excited screaming of the rest of the team. After what sounded like Asahi screaming and the sound of the phone clattering to the ground, Suga congratulated him before telling him to be safe and hanging up.

The next few days were a little awkward for Suga and Daichi, seeing as Suga didn’t want to make anything public yet, which Daichi respected. It was difficult to lie to their teammates about what had happened while they were gone. Yeah, they felt pretty bad about it, but according to Daichi, Suga’s health came first. And so, begrudgingly, Suga went along.

It took quite a bit of discussion between Ukai and the new therapist before the two had any semblance of a schedule. Thankfully, Suga wouldn’t miss any important games or practices for therapy, meaning that his life wasn’t too disturbed. As a result, life went on as normal. After about a month, Suga decided to let the rest of the team know, having Daichi tell them due to discomfort in discussing the subject, as well as an appointment.

When Suga came to practice the next day, nothing seemed too different in any of his teammate’s behaviors other than a few worried glances. Of course, they were more cautious around him, and occasionally seemed mildly unnerved whenever they said anything that could be taken the wrong way. Suga told them that it was okay, reassuring them with a smile. And so that’s how it continued for months later.

Now Suga’s road to recovery was not by any means quick or easy. It stuck with him for the rest of the season and his high school career, following him into college, and almost all the way through. There were periods where he was happier than could be before suddenly everything began spiraling downward again. More mistakes turned into scars, and more hatred into malnourishment. But little by little, he was slowly getting better. He was thankful for Daichi and everyone who stayed with and supported him throughout, he truly was, even if they were in different places.

When he had officially been declared depression free, both Suga and Daichi smiled at each other, walking outside and to their currently shared car. They both knew that through hardships would come and go, the two would always have each other.

Once they made it to their home, the two sat down together, hands clasped. They settled into a comfortable silence, Suga’s head resting on Daichi’s shoulder, his head on top. As the sun set in view from the window, Suga whispered softly.

_“Thank you.”_


End file.
